The Potters' Answering Machine
by color my world bright
Summary: Lily should have known not to trust James with Muggle technology - but she had, and now their answering machine message was full of tidbits about Batman, Robin, and sticking wands in places they shouldn't be stuck...one-shot!


**Hey! This is my first Harry Potter fanfic, so don't hesitate to give me constructive criticism. **

**This particular one-shot was based off of something that I saw on Facebook. I just added commentary, more dialogue, and I overall made it longer and made it my own. I hope you enjoy it!**

**This is my first James/Lily one-shot, but I think I put them in character well enough. They aren't living in Godric's Hollow yet, just a heads-up.**

**So, enjoy and review! R&R!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.**

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><p>I crossed my arms, still not willing to back down. "Are you sure?" I asked James, trying to intimidate him with my stare. Usually, it worked, but today, for some reason, it didn't. It had no effect on making him back down, and frustration was starting to take place in my mind.<p>

Both of our eyes flicked over to the cordless phone sitting between us. A script lay innocently behind it.

"Of course I'm sure, honey!" James smiled, although I could detect a mischievous glint in his eyes. "Why wouldn't I be? I think I need to respect Muggle technology a little more. And recording a message on the answering machine on this…er…_fellytone_ is the perfect opportunity! What a way to connect with our Muggle neighbors!"

I rolled my eyes. "For the last time, James, it's a _telephone._"

"Right, right," he nodded, although I could tell he wasn't paying attention.

"This recording is what's going to be played if Mrs. Undersee next door wants us to watch Riley, remember?" I slowly explained. Mrs. Undersee was our next-door neighbor, and she was also a Muggle – we lived in a Muggle neighborhood, but we were moving somewhere else soon, probably to Godric's Hollow. "And we can't have you ranting about _fellytones_ on the answering machine message!"

James put his hands on my shoulders. "Lily. I think I am sophisticated enough – "

I snorted. _Sophisticated?_

" – to record a message on the answering machine, don't you think?" he pouted, crossing his arms as if he'd made a very convincing argument.

I stared him down for a few more seconds.

"Fine," I relented, sighing in resignation. "Go ahead. But you'd better do it correctly." I picked up the phone and punched in a series of numbers, before the voice came on through the receiver, instructing us to record our message after the beep.

James grinned, like Christmas had come early. "Thanks, Lils!" he smiled brightly.

"Stick to the script," I hissed as the woman's message came to a close.

James cleared his throat.

I crossed my fingers, bracing myself for the worst.

James put on a professional expression. It was so pompous that it made me want to laugh, but I held my giggles in. "Hi, you've phoned the Potters!" he started.

_At least he's following the script._

"Sorry we didn't answer your call," James continued, flicking a sideways glance at me. "We don't like you enough to – "

My smirk quickly turned into a dismayed expression, my mouth dropped open, and I spit some of my hair out of my mouth in surprise. "JAMES!" I whispered indignantly. "Stick to the script!" I pointed towards the piece of paper, covered with handwritten words that I'd spent ten minutes mulling over, wondering if they sounded normal enough.

James grinned cheekily at me and rolled his eyes. "Fine, we were busy ridding the world from all evil, like Batman…" James took out his wand and started drawing shapes in the air. The lines glowed and formed themselves into animals – bats. "You know, it is really stressful, and Robin has chosen to take a vacation this week…"

_I knew I shouldn't have told him those Muggle superhero stories._

I cleared my throat angrily and held up my wand threateningly, implying serious bodily harm unless he stuck to the piece of paper. "Say. The. Correct. Words," I whispered sharply. He was butchering this message! I shouldn't have let him do this.

James hurriedly backed away from me, the cordless phone still clutched in his hands. "Okay, okay! Forget Batman. He isn't nearly as handsome as me. We were busy…doing something! Anyway, don't bother leaving a message because I don't want to get back to you any day because if you're calling, you're a – "

I felt like exploding. Of course he wasn't going to take this seriously! I should have just recorded the message myself. Letting him do this had been an act of stupidity. "James Potter, if you can't do this properly – " I started to say.

James put on an innocent expression, his hazel eyes bright and carefree, the sunlight from the window bouncing off of his glasses. "I'm recording on the fellytone, aren't I?" he asked, knowing that the mispronunciation of the word would get to me.

"For the last time, James, it's a _telephone!__"_ I corrected him in exasperation. "Just because Arthur Weasley calls it that doesn't mean that you have to." I paused in my rant to cross my arms, now fully aware that the time allotted for recording a message was running out and all of my words were being recorded as well. "And you're not recording, you're fooling around. I shouldn't have let you do this. Hand me the phone." I held my hand out expectantly.

James shook his head. "I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about. I'm doing a great job! At least I haven't told them to shove their – "

I turned the full force of my glare on him. "James, I'm giving you one last warning. _Give. __Me. __The. __Phone._" I started advancing towards him with my wand.

"So, anyway, how's life been?" James started babbling into the receiver, talking to someone that wasn't even there. "Not nearly as good as ours, I mean, with my _wonderful, __sweet, _and_beautiful_ wife, right? Batman's pretty cool, don't you think? Although I think that Robin takes the cake for the most badass Muggle crime fighter – "

We were almost to the living room, and I was still stalking towards him. "I swear, James Potter, I will stick my wand up your – " I didn't get to finish my threat.

A flash of panic shot through James's face. "Um, leave a message after the beep, then!"

I sighed in satisfaction, although I was far from happy, because –

"BEEEP!" James yelled into the telephone, his hazel eyes wide as he stared at the receiver.

I tried to contain my giggles.

"What?" James asked, appalled. "Didn't I say it right?"

I facepalmed. "The machine is meant to make the beep, not you…" I explained. "And no, you did not do it right, because – "

James cut me off, struggling not to turn red as he glared at the offending telephone. In his haste to get somewhere, he stumbled into the living room and flipped backwards over the couch, landing with a loud _thump_ on the floor.

I laughed even harder.

James punched the couch cushions a couple of times. I could sense a rant coming on. "Muggle technology is so damn – "

_Beeeeep._

"Was that it?" James whispered softly.

"Yes, that was the beep," I groaned. "And now we have to record the message all over again before anyone calls and hears the horrid words we just said!"

James came up and hugged me. "You know you love me," he whispered, pulling me in for a kiss.

I sighed in resignation. "Sadly, I do," I mumbled as I kissed him back.

The next time I did something Muggle-related, I was kicking James out of the house.

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><p><strong>So that was my shortest one-shot ever on this website. I hope you enjoyed it!<strong>

**Review, please!**

**~Ariana**


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